Cairo, the 28th October, 2009

"False opportunities and JOY!"

Nina Simone is sounding really cool on my speakers right now. If life could be that cool all the time...ahhhh...

I can try to describe my real life (beyond all that people think about me or phantasize) in a thousand words and yet they will not be enough or efficient. My REAL life is way much more interesting - or boring, depending on the perspective! - than what most people deduce.

I´ve assumed myself as a kind of freak magnet. I suffer from the "warrior-life saver" complex which means that I can genuinely presume I can "fix" and inject some LIGHT into the life of all the Frankensteins walking around in these life´s tough roads.

I smell the bitter sweet odour of a disturbed freak - men and women - and I run to help, to understand, to hold and hug them until all DARKNESS has vanished from their lives and I breath in relief knowing that my mission was accomplished.

Time to change this bulshit, isn´t it?

While I am honestly trying to quit the role of world saviour, I still seem to pull some of the strangest characters into my world, even if unconsciously.

My friends blame it on my job.

"You know what I mean...you´re a dancer and you know very well what people think about your job here in Egypt." - They tell me patting on my shoulder as in a sweet but passive support.

"Yeah, I know what they think about dancers but my fame of "being difficult" has already spread all over the market, for God´s sake! They should know I choose with whom to sleep with and my choices never have anything to do with my job or with money.

Do their brains work, for God´s sake?!" - I answer back in a usual tone of soft rage.

I know that people - mostly men - phantasize about the ORIENTAL DANCER as a kind of private dancer-stripper-odalisque who dances to seduce them taking them to a world where imagination, sex and pure pleasure mix them into a bowl of everything that is EXCITING and EXOTIC in this life and the Other.

I am aware of that.

REALITY is so different...at least, for me!

I do acknowledge the fact that I can be seductive while I dance simply because I do it with my body, heart, senses and soul. That MUST result into something seductive even if not intentional.

But I am not an odalisque or a prostitute or even the kind of woman who dances to seduce whoever she wants.

The only person I´ve ever danced for in private was my grandmother (and my mother, for coreography´s feed-back). How seductive is that?! Doing a private dance for my own grandmother?! This is as hot as it gets for me.

I am interesting enough as I am and more than enough to love and be loved by any man without any "dancing-seducing" ritual included.

How small would I need to be if I needed to "dance" for a man in order to seduce him?!

Dancing is my job, my mission, my passion and my air. Not a way to seduce men.

I would hope that is so clear.

ACCIDENTS to prove the world must still roll round and round...a LOT:

Yesterday night´s shows were AMAZING. No comments on this one cause I don´t want to ask for troubles and because you just had to be there...my passion is more alive than ever and not even baskets of snakes biting me on my back can stop what I am meant to do.

Sorry, dear destructive enemies. Your envy and evilness is a huge part of my strenght!

The night had been exhausting and happy and I was exhausted, dreaming to arrive home and take my hot shower, breath in my love and just rest in silence.

A gentleman - should I call him that?! - managed to reach me in my backstage room while my assistant was collecting material from the stage and threw himself at my feet (literally) asking me for a chance to meet me outside the working place.

"What?!" - I asked him in disbelief, hoping some of my musicians would show up and save me from this Prince less than Charming.

"Could I take your phone number for a private party?! Just tell me how much you need me to pay and there will be no discussion." - He continued, ignoring my open mouth and obvious - I guess! - disgust at this intrusion.

"I am sorry but I only do private parties accompanied with my orchestra so you will have to speak with the chief of the orchestra and fix it with him." - I answered , trying to be polite and cold.

"No. I need YOU only. You and ME. Not the orchestra."

"Well, I am afraid that´s not possible. I am sorry. I perform with my team and that´s not negotiable."

"How much do you want?! I will not discuss the price. Just tell me how much you want." He continued with a crazy look on his face.

Now this is the fragile point of the question. Everyone knows that CLEAN work in Egypt in the area of DANCE does not pay very well. Only the "extra" work does.

I struggle to live comfortably and I stop myself from travelling and having another goodies because I work a lot but I invest most of what I earn in good musicians, clothes, songs, dancers, etc and what I earn is not that much in the first place.

I am not rich and I have been through difficult times finantially but no way I would accept a big load of money in exchange for my DIGNITY. I am way too proud and honest for that.

The "gentleman" didn´t show any sign of stopping the request.

I left the room and searched for one of the managers in charge of the place.

I asked him to deal with the man and left. I avoided to be rough and even rude but that was IT.

I didn´t work my damned ....off in order to have the respect of my audiences and then having to deal with some freak´s distorted mind and desires. NO WAY, DEAR SIR!

My patience is short, very short. Explosions - good and bad! - happen inside of me constantly and I am not able to stop them.

This man just hit my wrong button in a very bad timing.

Could I ever explain him that I dance for my AUDIENCES and not for a man? Could I explain him that my intimacy has no price tag on it? Would he ever understand it?

I choose the men I sleep with according to many factors and they never include money or job opportunities. I am sorry but I am a hell of a lady in all sorts of aspects!

I am so sorry that reality - my reality - doesn´t match male´s idea of ME.

I am not a fantasy. I AM REAL.

JOYS:

I could enumerate so many joys of the night...so many...

The most amazing stuff have to be experienced in first hand. No writting, photos or video can fairly tell you about pure BLISS.

You just had to be there...:)

There´s a HUGE smile on my face right now. That´s all that is to IT.