Cairo, the 1st June, 2010

Never quite enough...


Ohhh...I see great women all around me doing their best in life and still feeling they cannot match everything everyone (society, family, their own conditioned minds) expect of them. I am one of these women. BIG TIME.

Why do I feel that I am never doing enough? I could do more and better, always. Never a grip to myself, ever...

I perform on a daily basis in the hot spot for Oriental Dance in Egypt (meaning GREAT pleasure and RESPONSABILITY) and that includes all the work of conceiving new shows on a weekly basis, doing rehearsals and managing an whole orchestra with nothing less but EGYPTIAN musicians (tricky kind of people, although I can't help but love them!). That also includes new cloths and a daily update on my looks (nails, skin, body and face, hairdo, mood and the whole thing in order to look and do my best on stage).

I am finishing my first book (asking Lord for inspiration and time management skills in order to finish it this summer) and updating two blogs almost daily (one in portuguese and one in english).

I also teach and choreograph and try to keep reading, studying, researching, etc.

Add to the equation the normal tasks no one does for me (cleaning, cooking, taking care of my two cats with food and love included, going to the bank, making sure all my working papers are in order, work meetings, etc)and you have an ideal potion for chronical madness.

Also have in consideration that I live and work mostly in Egypt, with egyptians and for egyptians and the fact that I am still here, still distinguishing between black and white says a lot about my internal stamina.
Life in this country is HARD for those who struggle with honesty and professionalism!


I also started travelling abroad to teach and perform and try, just try not to loose sight of my chaotic personal life.

I earned the right to be called an international dancer and a very respected one in Egypt, all due to my own talent and hard work. Four years of struggling in the dark with no helping hands have built my NAME in this market and I still feel I am not doing enough...

I never feel beautiful enough. Smart enough. Educated enough. Relaxed enough. Whatever enough.

I torture myself because I think I should be returning to university to do a Master's Degree in English Literature or Psychology while teaching,performing and writing at the same time.

I torture myself because I think I should be helping at some charity institution (feeling selfish for not doing so...).

I torture myself because I am not taking those needed yoga classes or going to the gym to keep me fit and mentally sane.

I torture myself because I don't give my true friends and family the attention they deserve.

I torture myself because I do not rest enough and I torture myself when I do (because I think I should be doing something PRODUCTIVE!).
Ohhhh....this is mad.

When will I feel enough then?
When will I be aware that I am ALREADY enough, just as I am?! No improvement of any kind needed?
When?
When?