Cairo, the 4th December, 2010

Faithful...

I am aware that I project a confusing image of myself.

I am also aware that people like me - who insist on being THEMSELVES, fully THEMSELVES without surrendering to what others think I should be or do - cannot be easily defined.

Tender and tough. Smooth and hard. Sweet and fearless. Cold as ice and hot as fire.

Fully PRESENT or TOTALLY absent. Black and White.

All those and more at the same time.

So it's just natural that I may look unfaithful, too wild to control herself, running free through the world.

Surprisingly enough, I am faithful to everything I am commited with. My passions, the ones who feed my soul and are also commited with me building happiness in this crazy, souless world.

I am faithful to myself and what I believe in, above all. Faithful to my values, my dreams, the image I built of myself made of proud moments of achievements that were never conquered with shame.

Proud of being honest and never selling my body or my soul in order to be successful. Faithful to the choice of the men I love and the friends I surround myself with.

Faithful to the will of my mind and deepest wishes of my heart.

My close family and friends whom I know love me and support me no matter what, the very few co-workers I can trust (extremely rare here in Egypt where everybody seems to have a blast putting knives on each other's backs!) and the man whom I love and loves me back.

This is always a too-sided deal. You give and get it in return.Otherwise, it's charity and that's an whole different subject.

I am faithful to the music too...TOTALLY faithful and that can be AMAZING if the music is great but difficult to handle if the music is not that good.

Last night I had that clear counscious:

If my orchestra gives me 100%, I give the audience 10000%.

Not in the same proportion but a great bit more...cause I am the dancer, I amplify the music, I translate it and transform it into something material, bigger, absolutely HUMAN.

If the orchestra gives me 50% or less, I am faithful to that percentage and I will give back the same proportion to the audience. Always a bit more but not my best.

Faithful to the music (here's the equation):

Give AMAZING music and you will have AMAZING dance from my side.

Give me average music and you will have less than amazing dance from my side.

Give me bad music and I will not be able to dance. I do weird faces, my tong gets tangled with itself and my eyes pop off from their orbits. I stop, block, loose my ground and my will to move. Wish to go home and watch a movie eating popcorn. I put my arms down, I disappear into the empty space. I don't care about anything...I throw the towel on the floor when the music doesn't bring me the minimum quality I require to dance.

That's the downside to being faithful to REALITY (music, life, love): You mirror what you get.

So, when I receive less than love, I loose my interest, I am not able to move.

So, when I receive less than GREAT music, I am faithful to that lack of quality and block.

With music as with a love affair, it's a two sided story and I will always be faithful to my mirrors.

P.S. Will I ever learn how to be less sensitive?

Life would be so much easier...:)