Dancing with my inner demons.

I was dragged to this wonderful mess (choreography) by my dearest Mahmoud Reda. 

Always assumed myself as a proud improviser and avoided choreography as mice avoid cats. 

I didn´t think I was tailored for it (choreographing is, in itself, a specific TALENT you may or may not possess, even if you´re a talented dancer and/or teacher). The disturbing freezing of the movements that I disliked, the apparent lack of spontaneity and my own moody, constantly changing personality didn´t make up for a good choreographer scenario.

He suggested, at first, that I gave it a try. For his sake, he told me, calling to my heart. 

Then for the sake of practice:

-Even if you don´t use it to perform or teach, choreograph for practice. Go ahead.

And I did. And have done ever since, although I admit it is a masochist exercise I do with myself. 

All my insecurities come to Life once I grab a new theme and start to break it down into a MOVEMENT VERSION of it. I suffer, sweat, yell at myself, even cry my eyes out when the results are not coming out as I wished. It is painful and scary, until I find an EXCITING movement that tells me "you´re talented, after all" and that keeps me going until the end of the process in a much more cheerful and light way. Once the initial heavy door of the music is opened, I learn new movements and possibilities in me that I never knew existed and I develop my skills into new unexplored territories which will come in handy once I am back to the original love of IMPROVISATION.

What I noticed is that choreographing is not only combining steps and movements in an original, interesting way (both artistic and pedagogically, if you´re using the choreography to TEACH) but also facing MY INNER DEMONS, MY LIMITATIONS AND MY ABILITY TO FLY OUT OF THEM.  It is a FACE to FACE with my own fears of not being good enough, smart enough, talented enough, "everything" enough. Facing them, fighting them and not accepting defeat. 

It is hard, exhausting, challenging and INCREDIBLY REWARDING 

(by the end of it!:). 

Some times, this is the bad medicine we need in order to grow as DANCERS. Stepping out of that so popular comfort zone and see of which material we are REALLY made off. Scary and wonderful. Specially suited for KAMIKAZE souls like mine.;)