Well...first of all, let me warn you, dear reader:
If you expect a poetic post, you better stop reading NOW.
If you expect a cultural high level post, also turn your head away and do your laundry or something...
This is a pure practical and eschatological post only intended for hardcore, no bullshit performers who truly wish to make the best out of every situation and I mean EVERY SITUATION.
The stage is an extension of Life or, for me, LIFE itself. Very often, more real than regular life itself. It is a place of prayer - as I see DANCE as a PRAYER, no matter how many so called "religious" prejudices others may try to throw at me, but it is also a place for disasters and non planned crisis.
Let the first rock be thrown by the professional Dancer who regularly performs on stage and NEVER experienced an embarassing situation. You name it, I´ve been there and done that:
1. Fallen bras - a classical of Oriental Dancers who are victims of designers with no idea of movement and stage needs. How many times did my bra opened itself on stage, while I was dancing? How many times did I have to juggle between smiling at the audience, move as if nothing is happening while trying to lock the bra on my back or asking one of my (mortified) musicians to do so?!
2. Fallen skirts on stage. Less frequent than the bra but still a MUST on my list. I even had my skirt falling on a big convention stage where my dance was being filmed and projected behind me on a gigantic screen so that everybody, from every possible corner of the theater could see my private parts!
I grabbed hold of the flying skirt and did a "torero" (bullfighter) brand new dance with it, trying to make fun and art out of a desperate situation.
3. Fallen bodies. I mean: falling on your ass on stage with no means to pretend that was part of a post-modernist choreography. Slippery floor, shoes that surf on a bit of water on the floor or food someone dropped. 1,2,3...TRACK! On the floor.
I´ve been there several times and never hurt myself seriously, thanks God. Even more, you can always see the whole fiasco as an opportunity to laugh and do some old style floor work that your audience will enjoy anyways. Blocking and admitting defeat is a deal breaker. A PERFORMER ALWAYS finds a creative way to get out of every situation and ART can be born out of the most unexpected situations.
4. The intestinal hurricane. Oh, yes! When your tummy is having its own "Middan Tahrir Revolution", the only thing you wish for is a toilet but, sometimes, all you get is a stage and an expectant audience which has no interest in your depressing diarrehea.
You shimmy your way into complete disaster, fearing for the safety of your musicians and audience, never knowing if miracles happen or not, running from the stage to the toilet and from the toilet to the stage.
NOT GOOD.
In these cases, I suggest:
Deep breathing. Believe in the power of the MIND;
Restraining your movements to the minimum and not going for energetic shimmies (the most dangerous of movements in this situation);
Laughing about it to take the edge of the whole madness;
Focus on the toilet path as a relief to arrive shortly after every set of dance.
Explore other movements that do not include the hips and belly and, by doing that, expand your dance vocabulary to higher horizons;
Pray to God for salvation.;)
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